Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
