It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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