She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
