drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
