I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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