I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize