i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
