Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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