Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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