And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
