I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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