fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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