My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
