he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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