Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
