Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Everyone says I win the strip club
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
