you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
