I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
