dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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