If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
