So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
