the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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