I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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