She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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