I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
