chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
