Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
