i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
