Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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