I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
