i just wanna soil my oats bro
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
