her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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