Swine flu. Run for my life!
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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