At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
