Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
