so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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