He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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