i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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