You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
