If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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