Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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