i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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