I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
soo... how was my night?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
