U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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