She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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