Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
