Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
