also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
