it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
