I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
