The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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