I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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