Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
