turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
