I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
