Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
