I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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